There is a toilet in my spare room.

Not a functioning one you understand—it just sits there in the corner. At the moment it’s providing a useful function as a spare seat for visitors of which there have been a few of late as we have recently passed a significant milestone.

That’s right. After many years of peaceful wedded bliss where changing a light globe required three quotes and written contract with an electrician, the OH has become Tim the Tool Man, and no, I haven’t divorced the OH and married an American actor—tempting though it sometimes seems.

Hence the toilet in my spare room, which in time will hopefully move to its permanent resting place in the en suite. Let me tell you about the en suite.

The house, nice enough, was built circa 1970 and its functionality, apart from the kitchen which is my domain, shows its age. The en suite although still operational, has a toilet which flushes of its own accord though not always when you push the button; a shower head which collapses at the critical path of the showering process, and a hand basin. No nice storage area or under sink facility–just well, a hand basin.

The Director of Household Operations (that would be me) has oft requested various upgrading in the en suite region however this has always been postponed until such time as:

• the tiles fall off the shower recess
• wet rot (or is it dry rot? I don’t know, some rot or other) sets in
• hell freezes over.

With the tiles falling off the wall an imminent possibility (and not due to my hosing down the walls constantly every day until the tiles bulge), and little else to do of an evening after numerous years of marriage, we set about determining what we need, and armed with our list of Vogue essentials we trek to the bathroom stores.

Sale prices not withstanding—cost being a factor as hell has not quite frozen at this point—the OH decides the first step is Understanding Bathroom Replacement 101 and has undertaken the ultimate in D-i-Y training. He’s attended a two hour Saturday introduction session at Bunnings.

This session, in reality, enables the participant to recognise the difference between a hammer and a spanner, but in the mind of the OH he is now totally capable of replacing the en suite. Oh Joy.

So there the toilet sits; dual flush, small and quiet. While in my bedroom sits the vanity unit—white, modern, nice storage space and with two side cupboards—the shower contraption has to be made to measure and will arrive shortly, so we’re told.

Fast forward three weeks.

The shower tiles have finally fallen off the wall, though this was due more to the en suite flood when removing the shower head than anything else. The bedroom carpet will be replaced when the en suite is finished; a new door installed, and the bedroom walls painted.

As a Bunnings trained D-i-Y expert the OH has facilitated the quotation process, and written contracts with a plumber, tiler, building handyman, carpet layer and painter have all been signed and sealed, and all should be completed within the next four months.

The bathroom is next on his list.

If anyone has a spare room for rent please call me.